Monday, December 06, 2004
| Weekend of Realizations
I’ve just finished enjoying my first weekend in the new apartment. Dammit I love the new place so damn much damn. Although a bit lonely at times, it was so nice to make dinners and watch movies and have visitors over all uninterrupted. It was completely super great and I woke up in a wonderful mood this morning because of it. Interestingly enough, each day involved a self-realization; hence the title of my entry today. Let’s get started, shall we? Friday I had some friends over in honor of my friend Joanna moving to California. Angie came by early and we spent a couple of hours catching up and smoking some doobage. Around 9pm, the rest of the crew showed up and I served appetizers and organized some games for us all to play. It was such a special time and I was very happy to be able to spend one last night with JoJo. There were lots of talks, lots of hugs, and most importantly, promises to attend her wedding next May; that is if I find the money to fly across the country. Yeah, THAT will happen. In any case, Joanna and I had a long talk about the history of our friendship. I had been feeling disappointed that we haven’t had real time to hang out over the last couple of months. Joanna assured me that she loved me deeply despite our inability to connect. I’m so used to feeling guilty all the time with my friends for not doing one thing or another and I explained that to Joanna. Without any hesitation, Joanna told me that she wants me to start letting things go more easily. “Your friends love you and understand how much you do for them; there is no reason to beat yourself up about every little thing.” Her words put a band-aid on my guilt wounds and made me realize that my friends really do care about me. Most of the stress I put on myself about whether or not I’m living up to their expectations is self-inflicted. The lesson I learned from the wise words of Joanna: Live your life without regrets. Live it the way you think it should be lived and trust in the work you’ve done up until now. I will miss Joanna and her always kind heart greatly. Saturday Around 6pm, I began watching the last half of Queer as Folk – Season 4. 8 hours later and my life had changed for the better. I’ve always been a fan of the show, but I’ve also felt as though I don’t really connect with the characters or the lifestyle very well. I have one gay guy friend in my life and the rest are either straight people or lesbians (well today lesbian, tomorrow something else!). Most times I don’t think of myself as a “gay” man, even though I’m sexually into the dick. As with any minority group, so much of the lifestyle becomes a culture and in this case, it’s not really one that I identify with. Upon watching all of these gay characters interact on the show, I finally began to accept my lifestyle for what it is. Gay sex has always been somewhat of a scary thing for me, but now I can see the beauty and necessity of it. There are couples on the show that deal with some of the exact same things I deal with (infidelity, loneliness, not having your partner understand you), but when it comes to sex, they all seem to fall into bed passionately and honestly. When Paul got home late Saturday night, I talked with him about our sex life. After being together for five years, you would think that we’ve had anal sex. You would also be wrong. I’m a 27 year old virgin and I’m getting panicky about being a 28 year old one. I have to learn to love Paul for who he is and what he looks like and more importantly, I need to open myself up to him and allow him to love me for who I am and for what I look like. For my whole life, I’ve been shunning the gay community and finding ways to distance myself from it. It’s time to stop with that shit and to accept myself and other people for who they are. If you’re effeminate, I shall love you regardless. If you’re a straight guy that likes to fuck gays in the ass, I shall want to get fucked by you (straight guys are hot!), but I shall also love you regardless. If you are a lesbian today and tomorrow you decide to be heterosexual, I shall slap you in the face, but then still love you regardless. Queer as Folk has truly opened my mind up to the gay community and I’m thankful to everyone involved with the show for helping this long time gay man see the light. Sunday Over the last year, I’ve been so complacent about politics and the government. I’ve felt very much beaten down by the war in Iraq and my brother’s involvement. Although I’m thankful to everyone involved in protesting and signing petitions, I’ve felt as though it was fruitless and a waste of time. Bush runs this country with his madcap iron fist and there is nothing we can do about it. After all, he’s been quoted as saying “I am a war president”. And might I add, a fucking terrible one at that! Can someone PLEASE tell me why we didn’t focus on Afghanistan, yet DESTROYED the country of Iraq? For what? And WHY?! Those poor people. No wonder they want to shoot our troops down every chance they get. They have every fucking right to defend themselves. But I’m getting ahead of myself… Yesterday afternoon, I watched my new copy of Fahrenheit 9/11. I had seen the movie in the theaters, but with my brother living in Baghdad at the time, I focused mostly on the stuff involving him. Now that I’ve had the chance to sit and dissect the movie, I am no longer feeling blasé about the so-called “war on terror”. In fact, I’m fucking furious. I won’t go into that much of a tirade, but I have to say that if you are a Bush supporter, shame on you for identifying more with the almighty dollar than with the human condition. Don’t give me any bullshit that the movie is propaganda. Especially don’t give me this bullshit if you’re one of the people who have opinions on it without having sat down and watched it. The facts presented in the movie are just that…facts. Bush and his cohorts are making millions, if not billions, on the tragedies that have befallen the United States. He was re-elected because his campaign staff has managed to brainwash the nation into a state of fear. Where are we at with the terror threat level today? Orange? Red? Brown for complete fucking nonsensical garbage?! There is a REASON why Bush has lost most of his staff in the re-election. WE SHOULDN’T BE FIGHTING THIS WAR! STOP KILLING OUR CHILDREN FOR NOTHING! Criticize Michael Moore for taking the stand and allowing us to have an open dialogue about the war and the consequences surrounding 9/11. Criticize the Democrats for being wishy-washy. Criticize the gay community for destroying the so-called morality level of the U.S. But whatever you do, keep your opinions to yourself. For so long I was able to discuss these issues with my friends and family and I was able to tolerate their views. But now…now that the election is a month past and our military is still fighting a war that makes no sense…now I’m done with my passivity. I’m not going to stand by and listen to this sort of ignorance any more. War on terror my ass! It’s called “saving face”, “profits for the rich”, and “bullying our country into believing that we could die at the hands of multitudes of terrorists”. For those of you who don’t know…the U.S. government TRAINED Bin Laden. 23 members of his family were flown out of the U.S. 2 days after September 11th. Bin Laden’s relatives have invested over 1 BILLION dollars in the U.S. economy. Bin Laden attacked the financial and governmental institutions based on his family’s connection with the United States. So instead of going after him, we go after Saddam Hussein. WHY? Because Bush’s FATHER has a GRUDGE against him. The president of the United States is destroying our country and if you voted for him, you put him there. You are supporting his chaotic CRAZINESS! Ok…I’m done. Cuz if I keep going, I may slam my computer on the ground. I commend Michael Moore on a film well done. He deserves an Oscar for best documentary, if the Academy doesn’t fear rewarding courageous films that take on the MAN. He is a brave film maker with a huge heart and I respect everything he has ever done. From Pets or Meat to Bowling for Columbine to Fahrenheit 9/11, he has always spoken the truth. Maybe now it’s time for us to listen. |
